


i never knew how traumatic the words 'i' and 'you' could be when you put 'love' between us

by ContrEeri



Category: Naruto
Genre: Heartache, M/M, Rejection, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-24 20:38:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17711165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ContrEeri/pseuds/ContrEeri
Summary: Sometimes love is more complicated than "I love you" and "I love you, too."





	i never knew how traumatic the words 'i' and 'you' could be when you put 'love' between us

**Author's Note:**

> another incredibly old prompt. i honestly had... no idea what i was doing with this but i guess i decided to explore some of gaara's trauma surrounding love. this is... on the heavier side of things. the prompt was "a sorry kiss". and this is... kind of experimental in terms of the themes i was looking at with it so im not super confident with it but i hope people enjoy

Lee believed in many things: love, determination, hard work, forgiveness. 

He believed that belief alone could overcome just about any obstacle; he believed that love held infinite power--the power to heal, the power to change hearts, the power to transcend lifetimes; he believed that he was unstoppable; he believed that he was splendid; he believed that someday someone would see in him endless possibilities--universes expanding and unfurling on an infinite loop of impossibility. 

He believed it with all his heart. 

But some hearts are more easily broken than others. Though he tried always to weather every storm that came his way, there were some things he simply couldn’t take. 

Falling in love with Gaara of the Desert, was not one of those unweatherable things, however, being rejected by him was. 

It was not that Lee was a stranger to rejection. He’d been rejected countless times in his life, and each time he’d thought, “I will be stronger the next time. Maybe next time, it will be different.” 

And it never was. 

But with Gaara it was different. With Gaara, it was a deep, abiding love. It was an eternal blossom, petals unfurling like a kaleidoscope as it flowered over and over in new and exciting ways. It breathed in him, took root in his heart, made him feel like he’d never felt before; like he’d never thought it was possible to feel. 

It had become too much to keep secret, though he’d tried for years, aware of the complications and the challenges, aware of the stigma and the scorn. He’d kept it to himself like his scars, but so much more precious and enduring. 

And then it had spilled from him, a mistake of the reckless and rash. 

Gaara had told him a flat and unequivocal no. 

Lee’s heart had been devastated. Shattered. Wrecked. Ruined. The petals of his love wilting over and over. There was an ache in his chest where his heart should have been. There was a dead, undying flower rotting in his soul. 

He cried. Not in front of Gaara. 

He waited. He apologized for his impropriety, for his bluntness, for his presumption. And he’d left. He didn’t ask if they could retain their friendship after this. He didn’t think he’d like the answer, though in hindsight that was probably the musings of a wounded man. 

Gaara had not been to Konoha since. Lee would never go to Suna again. 

And then one day, in the ever expanding universe of his life, there came a letter. It was a peace offering, an apology, a plea for forgiveness. Lee didn’t know how to read between the lines of Gaara’s precise letter writing, not the way he’d learned to read his minutiae of expression over their years of friendship and the years of falling steadily in love with him. 

_Rock Lee,_

_I regret having left things the way we did. This past year, I have thought long and hard on what you said, and I have come to the realization that I was callous in my rejection of you. You spoke your heart, but your words fell on deaf ears._

_I hope that in time, I can mend whatever hurt I know I have caused, but I will accept the consequences of my thoughtlessness should you wish to remain distant._

_Your friend,  
Gaara_

The edges of the letter were fraying now, its face dirtied by fingerprints and a desperate desire to understand. Lee wondered if he should reply, he wondered if he could bring himself to look at Gaara again. 

The hurt had wedged itself like glass in his still beating heart, cutting deeper and deeper each day.

He tried writing letters in reply. Nothing ever sounded right. 

He stared at his scarred hands, thought about the scars on his heart that Gaara had also inflicted, and wondered why he was doing this to himself. He could let this go. He could move on. He’d done it before. 

Finally, biting back tears and fighting to keep his hand steady, he wrote a simple letter back.

_Thank you for your concern, Kazekage-sama. I am doing well, and I hope you are too. I understand that I behaved incorrectly. I should not have said those things. It was misguided and foolish._

_I do not begrudge you your rejection of my flights of fancy._

_Rock Lee_

__He’d kept it short, afraid that if he’d spent any longer on it he would break and the lie would come spilling from him like his guts. He sent it before he could second guess himself, and he’d forced himself to forget the whole ordeal. He’d hidden Gaara’s letter in his room, beneath a potted plant._ _

__And life went on, as it always did no matter the cuts and bruises he obtained._ _

__His life fell into a steady rhythm of forgetting that he’d ever loved Gaara of the Desert. He told himself there were no flowers blooming eternal in his heart; he told himself that there was no glass to cut him and that the ache he felt was simply a pulled muscle; he told himself that when he woke up crying, it was not because he’d dreamed, once again, of familiar jade eyes and blood-red hair and the smallest, most wonderful smile he’d ever seen._ _

__Eventually it would stop--the pain, the longing, the love. It would go away._ _

__It had to._ _

__Lee told himself that if he just believed it to be true, it would be. And so he told himself lies; told himself that he did not love Gaara anymore than he loved his other friends. Less in fact, he determined. Less._ _

__And then one day Gaara arrived on his doorstep, and it all came rushing back. The flood gates threatened to break; his heart tried to escape from the old roots of the wild flower growing unattended in his heart; the glass cut deeper._ _

__“Do you hate me?” Gaara rasped, as though he’d asked this question a hundred-thousand times._ _

__Lee’s eyes burned. “Not even a little,” he said through tears and the gnawing ache of his heart. “Not even if I wanted to.”_ _

__Gaara’s expression shattered, something within him crumbling. “I--I don’t know how to love like that,” he said, his voice caught on the raw edges of his emotion. “I don’t understand how--how can you love _me?_ ” _ _

__Somehow, it all made sense in that moment. Gaara hadn’t rejected Lee. He’d rejected himself, he’d rejected the notion that anyone could love him, because somewhere deep in his heart he still held onto the agony of a little boy all alone in the world._ _

__“How?” Gaara asked, begged, pleaded. He didn’t understand. He hadn’t understood all this time, and Lee, so caught up in his own heartache, hadn’t ever thought to explain._ _

__“I am so sorry,” he choked out, reaching a tentative hand towards Gaara. He didn’t know if his touch would be welcome, didn’t know what he would do if it was._ _

__But Gaara seemed to want his touch. His sand sloughed away, revealing darker skin beneath, as he moved in desperate, jerky motions towards Lee’s outstretched hand. Lee froze as Gaara moved into him, as Gaara touched his face with curious fingertips. He wanted to understand, he needed to understand._ _

__“I wish it were as easy as words,” Lee said quietly, swallowing back emotion that tasted like blood. “I have only truly been in love the one time, you see.”_ _

__Gaara’s fingers did not stop skating across Lee’s face, touching and seeking answers within Lee’s skin. “Show me,” he breathed._ _

__Lee took a step back. “I do not think that is a good idea,” he said, placing his hands against Gaara’s chest to keep him at bay. “I would not want to take advantage of your confusion.”_ _

__The tears that sprang to Gaara’s eyes were born of frustration as much as confusion. “I think about you,” he said, his voice a bare whisper. “I can’t stop. I don’t understand it. The things you said-- _how_ \--what have you done to me?” _ _

__Tears rolled down Lee’s face in answer, his lip trembling and his voice shaking as he said, “I have fallen in love with you.”  
Gaara shook his head, reaching for Lee, trying to pull him close. “I want to love you,” he said, the words like a gasp. “I just need you to show me.” _ _

__Lee closed his eyes, letting his arms drop from Gaara’s chest so he could close the distance between them. Gaara’s mouth was desperate against Lee’s, a million questions passing from his lips into Lee. It was not a particularly good kiss, it was sloppy and painful and lacked finesse._ _

__He pushed at Gaara, as gently as he could, stuttering out words through the pain twisting in his chest that made it hard to breathe. “I am... so deeply sorry, Gaara.”  
Gaara shook his head, mutely, trying to pull Lee back to him. But Lee stood firm. He could not allow this to go any further. _“Please,”_ Gaara begged. _ _

__Lee felt that his heart was breaking all over again. “I am sorry, but... I cannot. I love you, I will always love you. But I cannot give you answers like this.” He stepped away, and the pain he felt was reflected back at him in Gaara’s eyes._ _

__He turned away, unable to stand the sight of the pain he’d caused without giving in, without trying to heal what he’d done. “I hope you can understand. I do not want to hurt you. I think we both need time.”_ _

__“That’s all we’ve had,” Gaara snarled, but he didn’t move for Lee. “What’s the point of saying you love me if you won’t _show_ me.” _ _

__Lee swallowed, his throat tight. “This is showing you,” he said quietly. “I know it does not make sense, but... please trust me. If you truly love me, then we can wait. I can wait.”  
“And what if I can’t?” _ _

__Lee looked back over at Gaara, his eyes sad, his last ounce of strength fading. “Then I do not think you really love me.”  
Gaara fled. _ _

__And Lee cried._ _

__Lee believed in so many impossible and wondrous things. Gaara was as impossible and wondrous to Lee as anything ever could be. As impossible and wondrous as love; as beautiful as the unfurling petals of his undying flower; as splendid as the sky at sunset. Gaara was everything Lee could ever want and more._ _

__And Lee believed, and Lee hoped, and Lee prayed that in time Gaara would be able to show him what this impossible feeling meant to him; that one day, Gaara would truly see the endless possibility of Lee and the expanding universes within him._ _


End file.
